I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
