I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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