I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
