She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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