I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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