or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
