get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
