Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
