I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
