also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
