i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
