I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
