Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
