You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
