Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
