i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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