while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
