thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
