i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
