His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
