just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it's great music for shaving your balls
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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