I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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