nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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