he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
