I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
