It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
