I'm eating all of the evidence.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
