i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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