he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
being pregnant is like rehab
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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