neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
