oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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