I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
