Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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