I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
