Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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