you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just pee around me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
