I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
