burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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