Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
