you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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