i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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