Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
