plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You made out with two different species that night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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