Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
