I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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