Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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