Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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