i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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