This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
