You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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