also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
